01 January 2003 - 3:28 am
no champagne or resolutions. the ball dropped and that's about it.

with most resolutions cracked and lying gone-for-broke on the sidewalk, i'm laughing hysterically to myself in the dark because of the utter simplicity - why the hell didn't i see it?

i was uncomfortable. then i wasn't. suddenly it was all radiantly clear. then it got muddy again.

but it was SO worth it.

//

bought my first pack of cigarettes tonight. don't know what that makes me. only smoked one. camel lights. not bad. i like the taste, but i don't like the way it clings to your fingers. it was wet. the rain soaked the cigarette, even though it was smouldering, and it bent like a sad salvador dali object, weeping motherly tears in the rain - my mother would kill me if she knew i smoked sometimes.

i don't often. and i don't really inhale too much. hardly ever.

ah well.

addicted, however, to ice breaker wintergreen mints. mints of any kind, actually. happy to be in the room, and knowing that at some point, there will be people in it again. felt like a sanatorium for awhile there, my own padded cell (minus the padding) but when it fills with people, there's so much ... life. we have to have (i have to have) more people up here more often.

and leave campus randomly more often. just ... to get out. for fun.

it's the new year. ring it in, loudly, proclaim. first year i didn't have champagne at the dropping of the ball. at home i always did, even without parents. found some way to do it, even to mimic it. but not this year. it seemed so unimportant. i could've slept through that whole shebang. counted down from ten seconds, and the lights went 2 0 0 3

and someone said "woo. we're still alive." and yes, we were. i wish that they would drop a square one year. just for fun. or a bomb. (ooh, that was not PC.)

and so i have continued - this is day two - twelve more hours till i beat anthony's challenge - of being instant-messenger free. i miss talking to peter online (as you can see, he signed my guestbook in tears, no doubt hysterical ones .. haha.) and i miss sometimes just talking randomly ... but honestly? i never really talked to people that i know here. a few times, maybe. usually anna, mark, erin, or matt. matt mostly since he's in LA all the time. he doesn't go back until sunday.

(how annoying it must be for those of you who don't know these people to read these entries!)

all right. enough for now. to bed - i finished "the godfather" and so i'm lacking in the book department ... kind of sad. i could attack "infinite jest" or "anna karenina" if i wanted to be SUICIDAL ... but no. i'm not. despite all the hints & clues.

(oh yes, by the way - i got published sorta. go check it out - harmlove - under "the stories". it kind of titillates me - those are kind of old stories ... and not the cleanest. if you're squeamish, you might want to pass on them .. )

okay, now, everybody smile. 'cause i am ... and i hope it stays for a while. i think it will.

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