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03 January 2003 - 1:15 pm
the gray sky of the skull.
last night, dreams about being alive on the inside, furiously alive on the inside, and dead on the outside. after having drowned. and all of my internal organs were frantic except for my heart. and people stood around looking at them in awe. as if "wow he's still alive in there" ... big surprise.
//
up late last night. curled in the hallway in the corner by the big windows asleep again because i couldn't stand it anymore. the day passed unnervingly, or should i say the night passed unnervingly, from 4pm on. why is it that i'm caught in the middle of stupid shit when i can't deal with the shit i'm in with myself? it's ridiculous. i feel comfortable, at least - content, mildly - and then something happens to make me question it.
i can't just have drama. oh no. i have to have meta-drama. on top of everything else. and i DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE MISERABLE LITTLE THINGS. i went online for a second this morning. on aim. i don't give a shit anymore. my body's rebelling against me. this room has become the new hang-out. i don't mind that so much but i get moodswings past 3am, and i TOLD people that and last night was hellish.
i couldn't get anything out. couldn't talk couldn't say anything, didn't want to hear the stupid sound of my own goddamn voice. i want to beat something, cause it to bleed, cause it to die, maybe, to wrench something's head off, to rip and tear and shred and mangle and mutilate and make it bleed. i want something to bleed. and that something isn't anything in particular, no. it's just random. i punch anyone. with my fist. and they don't even feel it. i'm NOT A STRONG PERSON. and i hate myself.
oh i hate it.
(if you watch, within a week these entries will be hap-hap-happy again)
slap-happy. (HAR HAR HAR)
//
division into neat, clinical parts. it's almost 2pm. i slept since 6. was supposed to go somewhere with someone today and felt sick so didn't want to go. didn't want to go anyway. did i? i don't know anything. anymore. i don't care much. // go or stay. // i don't care very much // either way. // so if you kiss me // if we touch // warning's FAIR ////////
i don't care ///
very much //
you shitheads.
//
fuck most of it. fuck all of it. this is getting to be deranged, uncertain, and fucking ridiculous. LIVE YOUR GODDAMN LIVES SEPARATE AND DISTINCT OF ONE ANOTHER BECAUSE I HAVE HAD IT WITH THE BULLSHIT
not that that means i'll be staying out of it, oh no, because i'm co-de-fucking-pendent. as usual. and i need other people's drama to survive.
and i lay in bed awake in the morning hours listening to people talk. and laugh, because i know something of truth. and no i don't. actually. i don't know anything. because IT ISN'T ANY OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS.
neither is it anyone's. who gives a rat's ass who the hell anyone else is fucking. big fucking deal. if you cared so much then just let it go. because it's obviously hurting more than helping. or is it. so why do you pursue it? who pursues who? who's doing the pursuing? (doing / pursuing? get it? i rhymed)
HAR HAR HAR
//
k. angerover. angerunder. angerallaround. bitter anger hate hate hate.
//
"I hate him."
"Why?"
"Because I do. I can hate irrationally."
it's cold and the snow is falling and it's icy everywhere. i'm trying to burn an empty cigarette pack and the fucker won't light.
"Yes, you can, but you have a reason."
"No, I don't. I just hate him. No I don't. Yes I do."
"Ha!"
Mm. pizza.
//
god i hate myself.
//
stupid fucking people.
//
god i hate this.