05 January 2003 - 6:58 am
if a body meet (a body) coming through the rye.

and now i know.

i have no drama. i say it to the world as the sun rises and our talk fades out. I HAVE NO DRAMA

and sometimes, in this group, having no drama means you're .. estranged. weird as hell, isn't it? but it's true. and so i am reeling off into the sunrise with a crazy feeling of trust, companionship, and inevitable truth. i want to find a girl, sure, maybe that's the only drama i have left, the one fear of abandonment, of loneliness, but i've faced that fear, and i've cut it down to size a few times over. i get angry because i feel outofplace in this group. maybe i need to branch out some. if i can find the courage to do that. on my own. co-dependent. i did it for new year's, i can do it again.

i hope.

things look okay, they look good .. i just had to open up instead of stifling myself outside in the hallway. i didn't want to talk, didn't want to say anything to anyone although secretly wished someone would come out to keep me company. what else could i do, sit there in the middle of all that D R A M A and T E N S I O N? no. maybe i'm making this a lot more than it needs to be, but one thing is for certain ...

i have ME figured out. and i know what I am. for now. and perhaps this is something that won't be shaken, won't be dissolved. it is 7am. and i am calm.

//

i read "the catcher in the rye" tonight after we went to denny's and to the mall for some fun tense times. i was approached by a stranger - something that never happens. you know i'm probably a sex maniac in my own mind. (from "catcher") because i'm holden caulfield on the inside. i like holden. we'd be friends. i think. i hope. i probably would've been wearing his turtleneck as i jumped out the window to my death. james castle. oh boy, that part killed me.

so now ...

today i want to go to borders. maybe i can convince mark to come. i really enjoy borders. i need to build up the comedy section of my DVD collection, but i'm not a really big fan of any recent comedies. hmm ... maybe because i haven't seen many. maybe.

it all depends on me, now, to continue the way i am. to stay strong. to "stand ground" as it were.

that's my new year's resolution - a little late, but more important than stopping biting my fingernails.

(and mad props go out to claudia for letting me rant to her in the form of email for the stint of this night, which was by far one of the strangest i've ever had. she's amazing anyway. go read her - she's at duluozlegend.diaryland.com.)

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