08 January 2003 - 4:24 pm
a hurlyburly of thoughts & opinion.

time to examine the nature of a friendship.

why? well, i'll admit that anna's journal brought this on, but it's also sort of been a long time in coming.

i've realised a lot of things in the past week, including but not limited to the nature of opinions, the nature of trust, the nature of personality, and the nature of my own neuroses.

i'd like to enlighten those of you who don't know anything about the situation as i see it. i have a friend. have. not had. have. her name is anna. i hold her in very high esteem, and probably always will. something as silly as the relationship she has with another person will not nor never break that bond. unfortunately the more that i try, at this point in time, to tell her, or try to convince her that i see she is becoming unhappier by the day, (which may or may not be a result of her relationship with this other person, i don't know, and i'm not judging him,) the more i get looked at as "the bad guy" and the more i feel worse.

so, in situations like this, it's best to just ... let it alone. i think i've made it known that there are no "sides" to this "battle" ... i have not been "swayed" and nor have i said that anyone is "wrong". all i know is that i see a friend who is changing into something ... unhappy. who seems to be foregoing beliefs and standards she once held very close to herself indeed.

but i'd like to make it clear - again - to her, to anna, if this is you right now (i don't like to talk to other people through this goddamn thing, but i'm going to) you're a strong person, and you are who you are. the decisions and choices you make are yours and yours alone, i'm not going to try to convince you to change your mind. but i do urge you to step back and take a look. when was it that you were last completely content and happy with yourself? i don't know how else to say anything. i really don't even know what i'm saying. i'm not taking sides, i'm not saying you're wrong, or anyone's wrong. but i'm concerned. and i will always be here for you, should you decide that you can, indeed, trust me. i've not left you in the lurch before, neither have you left me.

just remember that, if you would.

thanks.

//

i don't really know what it was that i just said. i don't know if any of it makes any sense. i stubbornly refuse to go back into that state of depression and anger and angst that i was in last week. matt told me that i've been so much happier, so much more ... free-thinking, lately, and i agree. it's a change in me, and perhaps the change in me clashes with the change in others. if that's true, well ... maybe it's inevitable? i can't really see if that's the truth.

i never really had a fully-formed opinion in any matter, especially those concerning facts or details that i didn't know or that were held back from my knowledge. i don't make judgements usually until i know the full story (which unfortunately doesn't occur usually until everything has concluded) and i try to remain honest and steadfast to those i care about.

friends, i believe, are people who will support you and provide you with a base of honesty. those who you can actually feel yourself being a ... more empirical version of yourself around. you don't focus on yourself so much, and it's not so hard to smile, laugh, or have fun. you don't cut one another down, you don't have issues with their presence ... you fit, you meld, you're gears&cogs in a giant wheel ..

i don't know what i'm saying. there's no way i could possibly fit all of the revelations and epiphanies of this week into one journal entry. all i know is that

i am happier than i have ever been. and i refuse to go back.

i guess that's it for now. i'm not going to make a long list of any of the people who i am comfortable with, or vice versa, or accuse, or judge. it's how life is? i guess? i hope all of this hasn't seemed too pretentious or sappy, or even riddled with idiocy. it's just my honest thoughts and feelings.

which is what this journal is for. i made a promise to myself when i started this thing, when everyone i knew was reading it, that i would stay honest no matter what.

that's how i feel.

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