09 January 2003 - 11:07 pm
silence is sometimes best.

the wedding singer is on the television over to my left again. there's a handful of people in the room who are watching it. i am, too, to some degree. a sense of inertia is rather taking over, a gradual halting, slamming-on-the-brakes.

talked to peter some tonight, too. is there an odd, weird, and wild coagulation of blackness spiderwebbing inside of me? i think it's called hate. i've been thinking about killing someone. someone that wouldn't be noticed. you know? or maybe someone who would be noticed. peter says i should become a long-haul trucker. i said i think long amounts of isolation is a bad thing.

i'm writing ... (i just stopped writing and i forgot what my thought was.)

there's been a number of fragmented entries today. most of them are kind of stupid. many, actually. i think i helped fuel a fire i never meant to burn. i think i care too little about too many things. check out my guestbook. what do you think? i change my thoughts based on what's popular? no offense, of course. there's something in that statement - i guess it wouldn't hurt so much if there wasn't truth in it. not that the writer - that being anna - should feel vindicated or triumphant in any way. i have decided that i have been honest, both times, and i have received back a message of flat disinterest in even considering any opposing thought or consideration for her welfare.

which is none of my business - it never was, to begin with. i figured that friends should definitely care about and formulate opinions ..

//

great. more people.

//

the wedding singer continues. over and over. which is fine. staring into space. again with the long entry of nothing-but-stupidity because there is nothing else to do, nowhere-else-to-go. i hate that feeling, when you can't go anywhere and you want to talk but there's ... nowhere to start, and no nowhere to go. talking never helps, it never accomplishes anything, it never ... (unless) no unless. i don't know anything, like i said.

i guess we're going somewhere. or maybe i won't. uh oh. drunk maybe later. yeah. alcoholism.

//

hateful. blistering rage inside. all night silent-near-silent. wandering.

//

i feel out of place, completely out of place. i do not belong in this place, or so it says. i want to be somewhere where i know ... anything. know people. know that someone knows the real me.

//

is there one. (null)

//

all right - no more. for now. silence is sometimes best.

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