10 January 2003 - 3:44 pm
i i i i i i i i (candles burned out)

waking up is supposed to wipe away the thoughts and emotions of the previous day - too bad that doesn't work.

(momentarily adopting corey's style of entry'ing : )

(soundtrack change : disarm - smashing pumpkins)

we are all sitting in this relative darkness clustered around with no looks or glances to help us decipher what we're saying, or trying to say, or speaking to help us understand where the hell we all eventually are - amazingly.

invisible more than often, more than usual. pushed everyone away more than usual and so there is a great nothing hovering just behind my head when people look they see a great nothing. a void of space, perhaps a flicker of translucence.

so it's amazing to me that all of this continues and continues, even though i can't be talking or bitching to anyone about anything since i brought it on myself, this time. everyone was yelling at me while i was writing the entry that i did "don't start up the drama again, don't do it"

(soundtrack change : "today" - smashing pumpkins (with video) )

and it is my fault, this time around, for making myself clear, and my thoughts. i did consider other viewpoints, and perhaps that was where i made my mistake.

come to think of it, that was always my mistake. i think about the people and the friends i've known and i can't honestly say that any of them would care if i'd gone right now. as stupid as you all would say ("of course i'd care! of course!") it would be a quick lightswitch throw. click. gone.

and then welcome to the darkness. (you'd not even notice the shadow slipping underneath the door)

(bing! anna : "Can we talk sometime?")

sometime.

fine.

(i'm tired of this stupid guestbook/journal crap, she says) with a little :/ smiley.

//

i think about high school, and the people i knew. where was i? half-way between a group of people. peter matt calvin helen lauren ... where was i in that mess? nowhere.

(soundtrack change: smashing pumpkins - 1979 no video)

i remember later hearing from peter over IM that they all used to talk about me when i wasn't there. i remember this kid peter morrow. sad kid. he always hung around. no one really talked to him. everyone made fun of him. i was one rung above him. \

i asked peter last night : "if i were to really off myself, would you honestly care?"

his responce : "yes. a little."

//

(and we don't know where our bones will rest // to dust, i guess // forgotten and absolved - sp)

and now this. i come to college after a summer of pseudo-isolation at a grocery store, working hard, and then i make friends with a girl. and a guy. eventually me and the girl end up in a new building in a new department. i make another friend. a few more. eventually i drift away from the girl. she finds a new friend. i end up living with her new friend. we make friends. friends abound, like germs and bacteriae multiplying ... i fall through bad decisions. i lived with a guy who i narc'ed on. he probably thinks i'm a rat. which i probably am.

there is an utter sense of worthlessness gathered around me right now. and this is not fake, for pity. this is real, this is actuality grabbing me.

(as you see, there's no one around - sp)

(soundtrack change - frank ticheli : shenandoah) calvin played this with the high school band at the graduation of the seniors-before-me. i remember the summer, playing it over-and-over in my room. my blue room. which is now lilac due to my sister having moved in. i remember as a kid waking up in the room. i remember.

i remember too much, live in the past too much, i do everything too much.

eventually, i'll live too much. have i already? have i created enough to fill the void i'm going to leave when i go?

i don't know what to do. i keep entering in here. this is what's keeping me alive? why do i continue? i go to sleep every day around 6am and wake up around 3pm. school starts in two days. and what happens then? i haven't even fixed my schedule yet ... i haven't moved my car from the commuter lot yet and i probably have a ticket that i will refuse to pay.

and this is ridiculous. all of this. all of everything. who have i been, what am i.

i don't care.

<< / >>