16 January 2003 - 12:27 am
until dark and he rises from his chair.

auditions are funny beasts. i'm actually not a very large fan of them, unless it's done in a professional manner. which "machinal" was not done in. it was a free-for-all and took entirely too long. i think there was ... what, twenty people there, and waiting for the actual scene-readings was meticulous and ridiculous. plus it all just started off on the wrong foot, in which (yes, i've told this story a dozen times, and it never ceases to aggravate me)

i walk into the makeup room. i'm talking to ariel about something - "oh, yeah. i forgot .. sorry. i had this -- brain thing."

this girl that i have never seen turns around and stares me right in the eyes and says nastily, "oh, you thought?"

you have no idea how much rage boiled up inside at that moment. i went with mark, while cabaret read-throughs were going on in the dance room, and after some ridiculous improv on the mainstage, we went out to the lobby to pick scenes, partners, and wait. we were to have two scenes. there were not enough girls, so i ended up reading once (by my own choice) when most were going in twice or even three times. my audition went fine - i'll be surprised if i'm not cast.

but sitting out in the lobby, i suddenly felt so angry, so incredibly hostile toward the girl - who i later found is named "emily" and on her bag tattooed the incredibly infuriating "Laughing Penguin" with small flowers surrounding it. little things. at one point it was so infuriating (being there for over two hours, watching the "cabaret" people be finished before us ..)

but it wasn't that which put me into a tail-spin. it was sitting alone with the script curled tightly in my hand and watching everyone associate with one another. on the fringe, as it were. was i coming to the slow realisation that my attitude and abrasive nature ostracises me from most? do i have enough allowance to do this, seeing as i do not have enough confidence nor ability in my own talent or social skills? i've been told that i have talent. what irritates me is that i sit here and worry about it. and i can't seem to get away from said worry. although the day began easy enough, with a work schedule finally set down, and the schedule all finished ...

i still have the reading to do for drama lit. it's kind of funny to hear myself say it, knowing i'm "part" of the drama lit group now, i can commisserate about the woes of the heavy work and the stupid assignments ... it's kind of nice to have something else to kvetch about - but if i was a "happier" seeming person, wouldn't i be so much less of a person, betraying what it is that i feel safe and secure in? i've been so dark, mordant and angsty that i feel it's become a part of my accepted persona. i'm no longer the quiet bookish one, i'm the angsty, rage-swallowing weirdo that no one can relate to and so most stay away from, or just tease with a friendship.

i've been hanging around with mark & rachel primarily, and i enjoy that. it's a lot of fun, and my life is much less dramatic - but i'm still good friends with the quad girls. things are just sort of ... off, i guess, in general. i feel rather empty. we went to see "chicago" last night, and it was something i had organised, which was a shock to me ... i knew i would still go even if everyone changed their minds, because mark & rachel were coming with me, and we were meeting the quad girls and anthony there.

i guess i just worry that i'm drifting, a little. more than a little. i don't ever want to be the desperate one who's grabbing for "real" friends when i'm left alone because i said something wrong or because i did something wrong. it's a worry that gnaws at me constantly. what happens when mark graduates, possibly in the fall, and goes off to LA? i suppose rachel will still be here, but wouldn't we be an odd pair without mark to balance us? i have a feeling we'd be re-assimilated into the quad group and rachel, having more in common with the musical theatre folk, would sort of gravitate. that, and she's a really great person. she'd fit right in, and i'd hover on the sidelines - again.

watching people migrate to LA and to NY and thinking about my future. how many loans i have out, how much money i owe, what can i possibly do ... i want to go to LA, as well. but what kind of work can i find that will pay off my dues to society? i'm not that talented, and my networking skills are poor at best. i have a few contacts. i need to start submitting written work to places. i should talk to dr. stump, or lisa, or ... something.

very ungrounded right now, sort of scattered. also some vanity issues, as usual, with everyone suddenly deciding to go to the gym, and i'm here, knowing how uncomfortable i'd feel in that scenario, but wanting to go anyway ... unless ...

just filled with a bitter feeling that might escalate and mushroom into something else. maybe this is the time when i should "talk" to someone? before i bottle it too much and it explodes into a pyrotechnic display of emotion? maybe. i never know. and who is there to "talk" to? should i call matt, like he said to? it's not even that urgent. or should i just ... keep it inside, and deal with it myself? because i probably should be able to deal with something like this by myself.

all right. i'm going to go do that drama lit reading now. oh, yeah. and do my scenario for playwriting and ... sleep, if it becomes available.

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