17 January 2003 - 10:18 pm
moon = lunatic.

lunatic moon tonight. literally. i've never felt such utter madness or cruel spite from something so far away. blame it on the moon, kristin (or is it kristen) sings. "it's not really a song," she went on. "i'm sorry. you guys have never seen me crazy before."

(lookin to the sky for a sign / the sky is bare / there's no one there / so take your hand / and put it away / and the will to somehow bear / and you will know / coney's free today)

peter sent me this song awhile ago and for some reason i kept it. (the sky is bare)

it's rather nice. (there's no one there) but his voice needs work. i had a long talk with matt earlier. during which i had a nice little breakdown. it was packaged and stamped delivered from "the end of all things, maine" and i think that maybe some day i'll get up, get in my car, and drive to that place. and beat the shit out of the return-to-sender by falling on some sharp rocks.

//

really angry and full of hate. (soundtrack change. "beck - already dead")

not much to say here. controlled lunacy. so much not to say, or to talk about. i still haven't checked the "machinal" cast list. but i know what's there. (already dead to me now cause it feels like i'm watchin something die) rather cold. and blistered. it's that bitter cold outside tonight, the kind where you freeze from the inside-out. donner party weather. so damn tired. ate something tonight, which i guess is good.

my desktop moves. i found a program. i almost tried to do a thing for dance USM tonight. then i decided not to. my spring is completely open, now. i have nothing. i guess i can focus on writing. which is .. all well and good, i guess. maybe i'm on the wrong track in the theatre world. i think talent is great if you have drive. which i don't. i'm indolent and stupid when it comes to anything. (soundtrack change "identify - natalie imbruglia") if it's me you want / standing by your side / identify / these tears are mine / or am i just a lie? (alive?)

falling over backwards tonight. and perhaps a while longer. i think those who read this have become accustomed to the downbeat drag of these entries. sliding along because i'm dragged by a rope tied around my neck. gotta keep moving on, dragged by a sense of time lurching on. as though i'm already dead, murdered and now someone is hauling my corpse through heavy snow. i think people are just used to my moribund ways. i wonder if i did do anything to myself if anyone would be surprised. "we didn't think he was serious"

today it got so bad i spelled out "gone" with bayer pills and even made a little stick-figure with them. i eventually put them all away. stupid little dramatic things like that. i hate the name "bayer" and i hate the word "pills." (identify / please identify / if it's me you want standing by your side) lost. but self-lost. doing it to myself. i guess. (am i lonely / or am i just alive)

(soundtrack change "tool - aenima")

(learn to swim) G o N e. O-|-<

kind of stupid in afterthought. (sure could use a vacation from this shit / circus) i put a perfect circle - orestes on repeat today, earlier -

(give me one more medicated peaceful moment / )

jesus. even i can't bear to look at this entry anymore. stupid shit. i'm going to stop now. (three ring circus)

sometimes i just fear there isn't anything left. at all.

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