19 January 2003 - 6:10 pm
[photographs.]

second entry in the same day. hm.

//

i am not usually the subject of photographs. this is usually by my own decree, but oftentimes it's not. it's just that i tend to surround myself with photogenic people, and as a result find myself in the background of most things. if i try to involve myself. i'd like to say i have an eye for composition, and if i see a photograph in progress, i don't try to disrupt it. there's a picture i have of rachel matt mark and i. i included myself because they asked, and at the same time, i tried to stay out of the way. matt brings this up every once in awhile. this photograph, the one with erin, and the one of me and casey back home are the only evidence (photographically) of my existence in the past year. (soundtrack - jason mraz : absolutely zero)

this doesn't bother me, per se, except for the glaring comment it makes about my confidence in this area. i sat in rachel's room in woodward last night with anthony looking through her photo album. prom pictures, summer pictures, group pictures. beach. rocks and waves. blue skies. i felt dark pangs of some uncloaked yearning inside ... to be a part of pictures, evidence of belonging, to show people my small book. the pictures i show people are all of others. i know that i'm not a generally photogenic person, which is fine. i look different in every picture taken of me. and then, pictures also expose insecurity, they catch your eyes, they show other people what you were feeling. have you ever noticed when you look at someone's picture and they're smiling, it always looks like their smile is just about-to-fade? as though they're only holding it for the moment?

i tend not to smile in those three pictures. i am, in the one with rachel mark and matt. but it's a look of derangement ... of (ohgodpleasedon'tletthisever .. end .. )

and some sort of scrambled.

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