19 January 2003 - 9:42 pm
deceptive calm.

third entry in the same day.

lovely. (although the last one was in process when mark came by, so i suppose it's only legitimate to resume here.)

//

rationalising. just finished watching "the sum of all fears" which was actually a very decent movie. i'm quite thrilled with the cinematography as well as the skillful directing and handling of an otherwise textually boring book. the script was tight, and save for the glaringly obvious places where you sort of have to suspend your disbelief (i.e., "how the hell did he survive that copter crash?!" or "the president lived through that?!") it was characterised and interesting. not to mention the score - from the dvd menu - was intense. i'm a sucker for a good, hammering film score.

and by contrast .. (soundtrack - billy joel: soliloquy) ... his classical piano, winding and soft and soothing. i have entered a place of mindless calm, of equilibrium. funny how quickly that can be tipped with some analysis and thought.

//

mark came here tonight for a few minutes, just swinging through on his way to somewhere else. there's an odd energy between the two of us. silence lapses in like waves on a shore. we tend to speak-together, overlapping and clumsy with words. at least, i am. and the attempt to seem somewhat more stable in conversation or small talk lends me to over-think those silences and laugh at them nervously. which speaks volumes of my friendship. am i keeping something back? should i just voice it? oh yeah. that would help the silences. (funny. i typed "silencer" in there.)

it must be interesting for those of you who read this who have little contact with me. little, not none, and in person. it would seem like an experiment - or so it seems right now - the fluctuation of mood, the desperation and the insanity of isolation, the relative calm peaks and the dark, turbulent troughs. it's a self-contained movie. only sometimes the projector breaks down. i've resolved to stop biting my fingernails. and perhaps keep my physical upkeep a bit more on the up and up. i never really had reason to, before. but now suddenly i feel driven to look ... somewhat better.

the subject, of course, being pure jealousy and envy. the stuff that turns you green. i'm going to watch another movie presently so that i can stop the frantic clicking of fingers over keys and the deceptively calm piano in the background. stupid photographs. matt's right - in the guestbook - foundations. evidence of something having been laid down, however transitory, a moment that can be built upon and moved from, in either direction. i prefer to think i've moved up, some bricks put down, maybe the skeleton of a window, or a chimney ...

and then the rains come, and i suffer a bit of a setback. but it's always onward-upward. stupid piano music. turbulence. (soundtrack. dj dazer - into the blue (soft piano hard techno) soft pain, i typed. that's what it is. a soft, yielding pain. like an uncomfortable pillow. tossing, turning.

i should stop updating in here so much. too bad that this is what keeps me sane. although i resolved to be honest in here. it feels good to be ... "away" from the quad, to some degree. going in for a little tonight was a little disconcerting. maybe it's because that's where everything culminates? when people come up here, it's not bad at all. unless alcohol's involved, of course. it's not bad at all, and people seem content, or at least happy. if they came up here all the time, i have a feeling it would stop being so comfortable.

oh dreams of the west coast, oh dreams of getting Away from here, dreams dreams dreams ...

(i'm worried about the undertow - have i been swimming out too far for too long?)

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