21 January 2003 - 10:17 pm
journal woes.

tired, but not really angry, just sort of mixed-up inside. too little sleep does this to someone.

jason made me get into bed last night because it was getting on three am and i hadn't slept the night previous ... he said something as he turned off my computer : "i'm turning off your computer, it needs some time to sleep. that's probably why it keeps fucking up, because you don't give it a chance to sleep."

metaphorical, maybe only in my own mind. feeling especially ... leery. something in the wind, you know. it's not that classes aren't going well, it's just something. i slept for awhile tonight, right through dinner actually, and woke up to knocks on the door a few times, and i always answer it haggard and confused, eyes half-open. the phone rings, and i pick it up ... rachel. "what're you guys doing?"

we?

she was down in the quad, anyway. i didn't eat again tonight. missed dinner. could go to the crack, but i... can't really get up enough energy to go out in the chilling cold. peter asks me what i'm looking forward to (besides his eventual visit, of course) and i say nothing.

i work tomorrow 9 to 12. not so bad. then class right after. then a wide-open day, although how can i be sure. a sudden fright, of almost animal proportions ... something is slipping away and something i'm worried about, something that's creeping inside of me insidiously ... it's that big fear of Alone. heart pounding. i have to make a very real effort to slow it down. to calm down. and inhale-exhale. it's because i haven't slept that i feel this way. it's not because of anything else.

going without sleep is like being on drugs. things speed up and slow down intermittently. staring at the wreck of the room - not so bad, really. just a hollower feeling. we re-arranged and then put it all back, last night. at 5am. and i didn't sleep after. everyone's down in the quad right now, i think. i'm uncaring. trying to get a grasp on something. ANYthing.

i worry that this journal has become a place of repetition, of stuck-in-a-rut angst and that's all it ever is. because that's all i feel, with sparse and rare moments of content sprinkled in. and people are stopping their journals. casey is - anna is. i'm not surprised, personally. but it rather makes me laugh, not because it's bad or anything, but i expected it. which is interesting. maybe this journal will become less guarded as people stop reading it ... more honest with myself and my problems.

like you need that.

what's the use of this thing, anyway?

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