22 January 2003 - 4:12 pm
freak.

the devlins. kill with me tonight. i think this is the song i have played the most in this journal. "lay your hands upon me / lay my head down low / take this sickness from me / from my world, below / use your eyes as weapons / deep in the nighttime sky / choose your words so slowly / watchin now, i wonder why

hold me close / i feel it coming / far away and out of sight / hold me close / i know it's coming / changes to our lives / so kill with me tonight"

so cold today and the last few days. bitterly. as though the wind were made up of ticks and were sucking the blood from our skin.

"no, these days won't take you / no, it won't be long / could you do it for me? / could you be that strong? / and your mind may weaken / you may find yourself / LOST ALONE AND BLEEDING / but for now / THERE'S NO ONE ELSE / so just hold me close / i know it's coming" etc

melodramatic freak.

//

so cold. fell asleep in and out, phasing like a ghost in casey's chair this afternoon after reading my favourite monologue from "the glass menagerie" - i didn't go to the moon, i went farther ... was fired for writing a poem on the lid of a shoe-box ... because nowadays the world is lit by LIGHTNING! so blow your candles out, laura ... and so goodbye ...

and with a rush of wind he is gone in the afterword tennessee williams says "the clock ticks with the monosyllable of loss, loss, loss ... "

loss loss loss. not that i've lost anything but that there's nothing there to begin with.

what was that? oh yes. melodramatic freak.

"you know it's gonna be all right. // tonight"

harsh and uncompromising - a twisting boil in my stomach. this could be from not-eating. this could be from not-sleeping, from being-confined. from systematically having dreams denied, if only by and from myself.

//

"i can hear you / by my side / tell me please / where are you tonight"

the room is a shambles. most of it, anyway. not that i mind. i'm hardly here anyway .. i think? i can't remember much lately. passing through a very thick fog. maybe peter's right - maybe i do have SAD. i certainly have sad. as though it were a docile kitten in my arms. i squeeze the life out of it, looking for solace in the death of things. i'm re-reading "titus groan" by mervyn peake. the countess, slipping from room to room with the undulation of white cats following her. a pullulation, the massive purring of the felines. steerpike, barefoot and red-eyed, climbing from roof to roof and up the ivy ... prunesquallour and his stychomythic laughter, ha, ha, ha ... fuschia and her secret attic. such a dense world and so amazingly populated.

mike toth stopped by the box office today, where i was sitting reading. we talked. "you force me to read more," he said. "you know, people wonder why you're so smart, and i say to myself, 'well duh, people, it's because he READS!'" and i had to keep from laughing. or smiling. a very real feeling of acknowledgement, of ... something ... welled up.

i like to read. i miss reading. it's why i'm currently devouring titus groan, which is a hefty fucking book. "please tell me that's for a class," mike had said. i laughed and said no. and then he laughed, too.

//

"but for now there's no one else"

//

i think erin's ... not mad at me, but uncomfortable. i don't think many people are comfortable, or were ever, and maybe now are starting to realise it. or something. how can someone be comfortable around someone when the person themselves isn't comfortable with themself!

.. stupid melodramatic freak.

//

'he's not dying,' mr flay said, 'but teeth lengthen!' - titus groan

//

"it's all right / you know it's gonna be all right"

please find this song. and listen to it. my subscription to norton antivirus has expired. many things expire. my breath and my tolerance is expiring. i worry, i find myself alone, i find myself indolent and confused and BORED. i never know what to do, i don't want to just sit around, i can't wait until i'm 21 and i can just go drink myself into oblivion. i'm too indecisive.

i got "maybe you should've been an english major" once. i thought today about the stereotype of college folk. in a big city, wandering around coffeeshops and bookstores with their sweaters proudly reading whatever university they are attending, and getting a smile from the girl at the counter of the shop, and maybe bumping into a girl reading the same book you are around the corner of a borders, or maybe you're ...

i'm trying too hard to fit into a stereotype, to "find my type" ... the gangly best-friend type who periodically shoves his glasses up further to the bridge of his nose and makes witty badinage with people, but only rhetorically, or the moody kind that's good for the comic relief because hey, people are never like that in real life, or the guy who's a perpetual virgin or will eventually come out of the closet, or the guy who is just another guy, occasionally laughable, but perpetually peripateic. i want to be the hero, damnit.

but i don't have enough confidence in myself. or in my physical self. or in anything.

//

"tell me - could you hear that?"

//

i forgot what i was going - oh. i think i downplay my writing. as just "something that i do" and not anything real. because it doesn't feel like ... effort. i don't put effort into it. it just happens. which might sound snotty and elitist, but i can't ... seem to help it. and so maybe that's what i should be taking advantage of, even though i'm sort of stuck.

in too many ways. (oh, cue the sad sob string music, stupid strings)

stupid melodramatic freak.

//

what do you mean, "you're alone"? shut up and go sit down in the quad, with your friends, who care about you, who you keep shutting out, you stupid fuck. spend time with the people who care about you and stop dwelling on those who you're not sure about, or who definitely don't. stop thinking so much, and making everything so much more than it is. just go and live. because that's what it is, that's what it all is, the movies are for people who don't move, move, move, like tom says, like tennessee williams says, just go and smile and laugh and smile and laugh and smile and laugh and smile and laugh until it becomes too much and you have to exhale into

sleep

just smile and laugh and slile and maugh and misle and iaug and luahf mad jand .. flaleli,anc jauhg

stupid melodramatic freak.

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