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23 January 2003 - 3:27 pm
paroxysm.
again, updating. seem to be fueling my days with these rabid entries, shoving me forwards.
"he was one of those that knew the difference between one day and the next was only in the pages of a calendar" - gormenghast, mervyn peake
"you seem to be steeped in absurdism" - dr. stump
//
thought prevails. like strong winds, wild crosses askew in cemeteries.
it's so much easier to hate than it is to love. so much easier to cultivate like an exotic plant with tenderness for each poisonous lantana, gently stroking and nurturing the seething thing. leaves are black-green and the bud is purple-blue like a bruise. swollen. i imagine it has a mouth. and swallows me alive if i get too close. water it and care for it. the hatred, the jealousy. the sheer vertical emotion that pours out, like falling off of a cliff. i hate this song, vanessa carlton. so i change it to "kissing you." which i think of as rachel's song.
because it sort of is.
//
drying up on the inside, a breath half-taken and an eye beginning to twitch. my face contracting and seething in unrestrained anger, earlier. nothing was said to me. entirely self-perpetuated. so much easier to block it out and just ignore. dive into some huge monstrous work of fiction. imagine myself in the world, swimming through the dense characters. stop reading it at times because when it's over you have nowhere else to run. until you find another book of that density. which is in short order nowadays. i feel like a paroxysm of wind, a doubling over. jackknifing.
"you use your journal as a cry for help because you're too stubborn" matt said in an email. "too stubborn to ask for help" because i can't and i won't and i don't want to. who is there to ask? why ask for help when if i get it, i can't use it? "uh, could you help me?"
"sure. how?"
"uh ... "
awkward pause. "nevermind."
and the wind skirls on.
//
less cold today than usual. kaylen says it's -40 in calgary. said so much last night in so little. almost every one of my fingers are bleeding today. i haven't been able to stop biting the nails. it's snowing, but it's more of an "afterthought," like corey said earlier. feels like spite, to me. the sun's shining, the wind's not quite so angry, and now it snows. killing weather. i am cloistered here.
i've run out of things to say because it all comes back to one thing. i'm miserable. poor me. i can't even come out and say it like that because i cloak it in metaphor. it's original, my feeling, and it's not so cliche if i garb it in elaborate metaphors and sweeping sentences of originality.
had weird dreams last night, too. weird like slaughter, but it wasn't. no buildings burned.
i need to stop. or have someone stop me. this sadness trough is going on for too long, and i can't get it to end ... it feels involuntary, now, like a knee-jerk.
a crumpled brow and a snarled half-word or phrase to spit into the air at whoever happens to be near. poison darts.
it's easier to hate.