03 February 2003 - 3:52 pm
groundless anger.

visions of axes dancing to wet music, the sing and thirst of sunless violins, scraping and sawing at the catgut strings. a burning need to write something, blocked at the visceral end, it's like screaming with your mouth and jaw as open as wide as they can be, but no sound issues forth.

a dried up waterfall.

//

started saving my older entries to my hard drive suddenly last night. (save tonight / and fight the break of dawn / come tomorrow / tomorrow i'll be gone)

it's a groundless, formless melancholy like a mouthless mask that i'm wearing today, stripped of all of witticisms and metaphor. with an edge to my general demeanour and a snarl for those who piss me off, i'm the walking living revenge. not that i have much to revenge. but i feel as though i do. and i'm thinking about counselling again. because i only went that once, and i didn't like the guy i talked to.

on the bulletin board in front of me i have many papers. some random surreal pictures clipped from a photo magazine. the cabaret contact sheet. a list of movies i'll eventually watch. a card from my mother that says "saying "hello"" on it, the sheet of my work schedule, a polaroid of my grandmother, a picture of mark matt rachel and i, and a picture of me and erin.

i don't know why i suddenly had the need to recognise something concrete. it's like battling solipsism.

in acting iv today, i did a short improv about waking up grumpy, slapping the alarm off, putting my glasses on, finding the lost phone, turning it on, finding that someone hung up on me, and then going back to bed. the professor, wil kilroy, took me out of the room, gave me an "adjustment" - do all that i just did, but do it supremely optimistic, as though i'd just won a million bucks. when i re-did the scene, i guess it wasn't good enough, because he had someone else (namely, braden, the resident queen) do the same scene with that adjustment, too. and he did it flamboyantly, and effeminately, and pissed me off.

maybe that's why i'm so angry right now. or maybe it's just that i'm afraid of being happy. because happy is a stupid thing. it's ephemeral. i've been dubbed the Pessimist by most, and i suppose that works. but there's something stupid. something that i'm so irate about.

but there's nothing there. i just want to do harm to ... something, i don't know what, even, i want vengeance for something, some unnameable Horror that i can't figure out ...

"Children jump around at the end of the day, to expend the last of that day's energy. The adult equivalent, when the sun goes down, is to create or witness drama - which is to say, to order the universe into a comprehensible form. Our sundown play/film/gossip is the day's last exercise of that survival mechanism. In it we attempt to discharge any residual perceptive energies in order to sleep. We will have drama in that spot, and if it's not forthcoming we will cobble it together out of nothing."

- from "three uses of the knife: on the nature & purpose of drama" by david mamet.

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