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09 February 2003 - 1:23 pm
drainingly.
i am filled with a strange & wild, bursting euphoria.
perhaps it has to do with the fact that i went to brunch on my own today. just .. like that. walked there and ate. i didn't need to go with anyone, even though i had planned to go with casey and jason, they changed their minds and i still went.
there was much drinking last night. even though i didn't do too much, it was pleasant. i do hope this is the start of .. something good. (soundtrack : smashing pumpkins - today)
i think this is the best music video ever. secondly would be kenna's "hell bent". and this song .. is just incredible. "today is the greatest / day I've ever known / can't live for tomorrow / tomorrow's much too long / i'll burn my eyes out / before I get out / i wanted more / than life could ever grant me / bored by the chore / of saving face / today is the greatest / day I've ever known / can't wait for tomorrow / i might not have that long / i'll tear my heart out / before I get out / pink ribbon scars that never forget / i tried so hard / to cleanse these regrets / my angel wings / were bruised and restrained / my belly stings / today is / today is / today is / the greatest day / i want to turn you on / i want to turn you on / i want to turn you on / i want to turn you / today is the greatest / today is the greatest day / today is the greatest day / that i have ever really known"
sums it up. i think. this video is so fucking inspiring. i have to work on my goddamn play scenario for playwriting ... i like my idea but i keep getting caught up in the ideas and the plot gets lost, i have such a visual array of images before me that i can't concentrate .. so much in my head. so much
images back and forth. sometimes fearing i am on the brink of psychosis. worried about things constantly. searing, and i have to blink to clear. i am alone too much. fuck. i'm losing it.
i am caught in a whirlwind .. i can't write like this. i'm thinking maybe i should get some help ... no, this is ridiculous. maybe going to the movies tonight. "the recruit" although my psychic ESP sense tells me it won't happen. plans change. it happens. it happens.
i have to stop this. i have to. it's never going to end, you know? always. never. this is so fucked. i have to stop this shit.
just .. stop ..
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("believe / believe / we'll crucify the insincere tonight") [i could die tonight, i've come so close this week] - no, you know what i want? what i keep dreaming of? it's like these lyrics from "into the dark" by the juliana theory ... (in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you / and in your head where it dwells / I'D GIVE YOU MY HAND IF YOU'D REACH OUT AND GRAB IT / LET'S WALK AWAY FROM THIS HELL) .. is that too much to ask? for .. something? fuck me. is it that i want it from a specific place? why do i feel like i am being stupid? i shouldn't - this is a valid feeling, this horrible crushing feeling of complete helplessness. swept away. that i'm an afterthought. that it's my own fault that i do it to myself that it's all my own fault that everything that is happening is my own fault and i could stop it any time i want to but i'm not and so i'm losing my mind literally literally i am going insane is it too much to ask for someone to reach out their fucking HAND?! and say "let's walk away from this hell"? i think it must be /.....
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i am all the fuck out of words.