11 February 2003 - 2:20 pm
spilledmilk.

still matt nathanson this afternoon. i woke up about an hour ago.

"litter me with small awarenesses / once i shed the whole of me"

and last night wasn't apocalyptic or even cataclysmic. just subdued. i guess. don't know what's going on tonight, or even why i'm bothering to make this entry. perhaps there's nothing else to do. stayed up last night to study for a big exam in drama lit today. woke up to go for that exam, saw the board that said "there will be no exam today" turned around and went right back home.

and so here i am. it never snowed like it was expected to. i slept right through two classes and as i walked away i saw the professor of my previous class ... i talked with him some about playwriting as i wandered back to my dorm. "you look like you're in la-la land," he said to me after a short pause. i wonder if i really did seem that distracted/insane. it's entirely possible, i guess. (soundtrack change - gary jules : nothing, but still with the prior song in my head)

i need another haircut. the moon's on the wax, i think. funny, that. i heard people howling and screaming in the stairwell when i was walking to class. and then walked right back. i don't even care that i saw the professor before class, or that she saw me and talked to me, and now i'm not there. it's weird. i really ... just don't care. dispassionate. not even numb. i'm bartleby. "i would prefer not to"

but with more anger. poor bartleby.

//

"it could've been a sign / but i don't believe in signs / i don't believe / nothing / please don't tell me what i already know / nothing / oh, it's getting easier / but / time will show / nothing ever goes away"

i guess. i should be writing something, but i've kind of given up on it for right now. amy has a good scenario, and a nice idea. she has to follow through on it, now, though. i hope she does. it could be a good play.

i'm running out of things to say but i don't necessarily want to conclude this entry. (soundtrack change - jack johnson : ain't loved at all)

i have something to do tomorrow, i think it's a reading for "eggs over eric" and i think then a tech rehearsal for "love letters" which i volunteered to stage manage at the last moment ... it's only a one-day event, though, i'm not too worried about it. i hate ... having obligations, though. maybe that's what it is. a constant "i-don't-care" or a blase hatred towards anyone who tries to reach out. this is all so insane. i cleaned up last night, a little. i feel as though i could be suffering from schizophrenia. i think that it is easier to cut yourself when you're focusing on something else. like the lyrics to a song. and singing it. and then it's easier. i think? i don't know, i'm only a novice.

and i don't care. (he knows he ain't loved at all)

(soundtrack change - jason mraz : halfway home)

"i used to walk all alone / on the opposite side of the road"

song lyrics. i could take that ridiculous quiz every day and it would change every day. i finally downloaded milkdrop from geisswerks and i'm happy about that. casey and i used to stare at that on her comp in 8th wood for a long time. it's a visualisation thing for winamp. i wonder how everyone is in class right now.

oh wait. no, i don't care.

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