13 February 2003 - 4:33 am
sombre, black-robed sunrise.

... getting there.

(the cuts are healing. i'm figuring things out.)

(soundtrack : matt nathanson - hold me) -- i wish you would follow me / in my walk / through brilliance / but i've grown so much hollower ..

//

i'd like to think that i can do whatever i want, be whatever i can be. stare out the window so long until ..

//

elevators are strange beasts. always afraid of who might step out when it shudders to a halt. and if it might be empty as you step in.

//

... until i no longer feel like jumping. or etching ghoulish lines in the flesh of my arm. when nights like this culminate in talking so intently that i don't even notice the sound of my own voice ... it is zero degrees fahrenheit here tonight. dropped so cold my car won't start. i want to write something, so badly. i need to write something. i'm starting to write people off. starting to not care so much, and care more at the same time. starting, in my twentieth year, to realize who actually cares. and it's not just a quick, dashed-off note or a speedy hug before going off to do something else ... it's putting a friend in front of you, and what you want. making yourself available. going out of your way just to ... stop by. and suddenly it's not going out of your way. it's enjoying it.

i guess. i don't know, you know? i just try to guess at it, try to forage through this dense jungle of uncertainty. talked to kaylen, to jason, to matt, to ... courtney, just over and over, and even taking pictures of my arm and sending them DCC over to calgary where kaylen saw them. said she broke down, shivering and crying about it. "i realized it was you, not just some picture attached to you," she said. "you're one of the few people ..." i won't finish that sentence.

i feel disjointed. confused. abandoned, in a lot of ways, and i know i do it to myself a lot of the time. i need to write, again. need to start submitting poetry to places? i'd like to. i'm downloading daria episodes. and that makes me happy. i used to watch this show with my sister.

i'm not sleeping tonight. can't. i need to ... _______. understand. i need to understand.

and sometimes i can't. which leaves me angry & frustrated. and i breakdown. and then there's this calm aftermath. tomorrow might even go well - i'm sure it will. and maybe the day after won't. or i'll have a confrontation. what i need to learn is how to deal with it.

i wish people were less judgemental, though. especially about things said in the heat of anger. and i wish people wouldn't post things in these public forums without analysing and considering extenuating circumstances. i'd like to think that i do that, and i'd like to think that i am good about posting negative things about people, or at least following the negative up with a clarification, or an apology, or something. i don't think i deserved this. yeah, i said it. it was also because i was angry that i had been feeling so low and well, no one seemed to care. so why not lash out at people? why not? i could've said the same about a lot of people, and probably did. not that other people stop to consider and say "oh, wait. this might be -- " or actually bothering to ask if anything was wrong? rather, it's just a public posting of something ... on a "free forum" that you know will hurt? is it that the person feels they need to avenge some wrongdoing ... they are the Avenger of the Unchampioned? i don't understand, really, is all. i mean, i know i said the wrong thing, but i don't think i deserve that. not that you'd know, of course, because you didn't bother to ask.

most people are. and i guess it's something i should just realise, and move away from. but i don't want to become the bitter, jaded "all people suck" type of person who just hates everyone and retracts from every situation. what was it kaylen said ... "it's crazy how people get so used to you, they can't see it. i mean. you're...amazing. blow me away with your vicious sincerity. and those spots of being absolutely gentled. it almost feels like a contract of understanding."

i guess what i'm trying to do is to ... plane back those moments of viciousness, and those acerbic, angry sarcasms. i'm trying to be a gentler person. it's kind of hard in this group, though. like being tossed into a tornado and expected to remain in a zen-like state, you know? maybe if i was stoned, all the time, maybe then. but i'm not. it's very hard. insecurities aren't something overcome easily.

and that said, (this having been intended to be a very short entry) i'm going to watch some more daria episodes. and maybe ministrate to the cuts. but probably just the former.

what i'm asking is that ... any of you ... mostly those of whom i talk to or see on a daily basis ... could you bother to try to talk to me? don't be alarmed if at first i push you away. it's really hard to trust the sincerity of ... genuine caring. and if you feel i'm not worth your time, that's fine too. i'm just really not going to bother giving to you if you're not reciprocating. because that's what i feel a friendship consists of. give/take. it might be selfcentered of me, and utterly untrue, but i'd like to think that i give .. when i can .. and i think that sometimes, i don't get a lot back in return. and that's kind of wounding.

but like i said. i just have to learn to care less. or something.

morning's on the rise. i gotta go.

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